😳 How did you learn about sex, {{contact.first_name}}?
Dec 03, 2022 10:00 pm
Hello ,
Yesterday I attended a talk for romance authors presented by career relationship and sex therapist, Dr J.
With 46 years of counseling experience, she said that many, many women learn about sex from reading romance novels. It got me thinking about how I learned about sex.
I mean, Marlin Perkins from Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom was a weekly regular when I was growing up, so I'm pretty sure I saw animals "doing it" from the time I was in elementary school.
But I have no memory of Mom sitting me down to talk about sex. No memory of sex ed in school—though it may have be given to kids in the regular curriculum stream, I was in French Immersion and the courses we got were different.
This is the same cover as the copy I had. And in 1979, when the book was released, I would have been 13 years old—the same age as the two main characters, boy/girl siblings Chris (14) and Cathy (12).
It looks and sounds like a young adult story, doesn't it?
Well! I just read the description of that story ... holy mother of darkness, no wonder Mom was upset! This book may not be a romance, but there's sex. And there's rape. And incest. 😳
And, assuming that's what my 13-year-old self took away as "this is sex,", no wonder I was a virgin-by-choice until I was 20 years old!
Thinking about how many, many romance novels have described sex and sexuality in the years I've been reading them, I'd be lead to believe that my body is broken. Why?
Because I cannot orgasm with penetration alone and never have.
Because I don't drip in horny anticipation of my lover's touch. I never have. Thank goodness! That just sounds like too much laundry!
Because although I'm not sure what an average penis size is, I'm pretty certain many of the heroes' larger-than-life members would cause me more discomfort than pleasure ...
Have I written descriptions that reinforce these fringe experiences? Yes. Yes I have.
Did it ever occur to me that my words, written as fantasy since that's what a romance offer readers, might harm a woman who keeps seeing these experiences and starts to believe they're the norm, not the unicorns? Again, I suspect the answer is yes.
So will I do better?
Darn right, I will. At least, I'll try.
Being a socially responsible author, even of the most looked down upon genre, means having to pay attention to how our imaginary stories and made-up characters impact real people.
I want to make people feel good when they read my books, not like they're somehow "less than" the fantasy. I'm not exactly sure how I'll have to change my words, stories or characters, but after listening to Dr. J., I'll certainly be thinking about that young woman who might be reading my romance as her first experience learning about sex ...
Thankfully, consent and contraception are normal (now) in romance. I wonder how long it will take to make it normal to have orgasmless sex with lubrication and a smaller than average penis just as fantasy-fulfilling as the romance norm is now.
What do you think?
I would love to know—
- 🙃 What romance fantasies do you think should be turned on their head?
- 🧐 What common romance experiences would you like to see done differently?
- 😛 Have romance novels impacted the way you think about or experience sex, for better or for worse?
We, authors and readers, have power. Let's use it!
Back in 2015, when I was preparing to publish my first novel, I was told by countless authors and readers that I could not include the mention of my heroine having had an abortion. That this just was not done in fiction.
So I changed my story and the heroine miscarried instead. It never sat well, but who was I to argue?
Turns out ... I was exactly the person to argue. Perhaps the talk of abortion in a novel might have upset readers in 2016, but readers in 2022 have been incredibly supportive of entire anthologies—hundreds of new stories—that either reference or bring to the forefront that reality of so many women's experience.
Thanks to the overturning of Roe v Wade, conversations we were told we shouldn't risk with our readers for fear of being negatively targeted are now too important not to risk.
Times change. And romance is a genre that changes with the time. And quickly when needed. Like now.
If you haven't pre-ordered Resolve: A new year's anthology for choice yet, I hope you will today. It's just $0.99 for the ebook and we now have a paperback option. Hooray!
And every author contributing to this book is giving up her royalties, so 100% of proceeds will support the National Network of Abortion Funds.
Sexy reads for the week
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They're both driven to succeed--at all costs. But neither of them expects that to include wedding vows...
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This small-town, opposites attract romance is a slow-burn love story with adult themes and humor that will have you lusting after the guy who’s more than just a pretty face, and falling in love with his quirky hometown. HEA guaranteed.
I’m a girl on a mission.
That mission? Have a one-night stand with a stranger.
One night. It’s all he asks and all I want.
Or is it?
I'm supposed to be focused on my toughest rotation of med school. So what am I doing exchanging hot-AF texts my hot-AF new neighbor? Or letting him see me naked at the window?
I don't have time for distractions.
Well, that was a much longer letter than I expected when I sat down to write this morning ... it's now afternoon and the homemade waffles and potato hash the darling Mr. Bloom brought to my desk three hours ago have long since digested ... time for lunch!
I hope your weekend brings you as much joy as maple syrup brings me!
love & sweet stuff,
Danika
xo
PS - I really do want to know ... since you can help me better represent more reader experiences!
- What romance fantasies do you think should be turned on their head?
- What common romance experiences would you like to see done differently?
- Have romance novels impacted the way you think about or experience sex, for better or for worse?