But it is not okay to stay silent about it.

Today's email will seem like word vomit. I am sifting through some things in my life right now and I am hoping that if you watch me do it in a somewhat "live " fashion, maybe it'll encourage you to sift in a productive way as well.

We live in a world where there is so much pressure for you to be something that you are not.

Go to certain schools, get certain jobs, look a certain way, act a certain way, BE SOMEONE besides your own damn self.

I know this feeling all too well.

And sadly, up until the last 2-3 months I didn't fully realize how much I felt the emotions of above.

Why are these months different than any other?

I have been sober during them. Up until Sunday night I have not had a single drink since February, and I haven't smoked weed or used any substances outside of the vitamins I take for almost two months now.

(I had my first drink in 3 months on Sunday night because I was celebrating a business win. It was a bunch of fun and I don't regret it).

I feel like a fog has lifted in my life.

The scary part is though...when the fog lifts and you don't necessary like what you see...when you realize that there is a lot of building that needs to be done because of all the destruction that you can now see....

it can be a tough pill to swallow.

That ^^^ is my life right now.

I am a veracious reader, but haven't been able to pick up a book.

I love to write, but took a few days away from this, and haven't written a blog or anything at length in some time now.

I am obsessed with producing creative content for my podcast, and other business outlets, but lately haven't been motivated to put anything worthwhile together.

Old me would sit here and be like..."WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!"

New me though...

Lets go for a run. Lets meditate. Lets walk barefoot in the grass. Lets sit in an ice bath for 6 minutes lol.

Lets give myself time to sift.

Upon this sifting I have found a common thread.

As a kid I wanted to become a professional athlete.

I have mentioned this before.

And I could have done it.

But when I got into high school I let myself succumb to the pressure.

And this pressure caused me to lose my "sobriety" from age 15 until age 30.

I don't necessarily mean sobriety in the sense of just drugs and alcohol.

From food, to chasing girls, craving adrenaline inducing experiences, to fleeing hard situations...I was never "sober." Never able to sit still and just sift through my own mind and feelings.

The thing is, you could have the house with the views, the cars with the speed, the degrees/job/career that gives you some power, the community that makes you feel at peace...

but if you are not able to look into the mirror and sift through what it is that YOU truly want out of life...you are not "sober." Something is coercing you. Something is clouding you mind, your heart, and your judgement.

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So where am I at in my sifting process?

I do not know my own human potential (physical/mental/spiritual) in sobriety. I am intrigued by what my body is capable of if I allow myself to chase MY DREAM of becoming a "professional" athlete. For 15+ years I drowned out this dream in various ways. NO MORE DROWNING!!!

This definition looks different these days though because there are so many routes one can take. I mean heck, you can literally become a professional video gamer lol. That didn't exist when I was a kid.

For me though, what it looks like is to continue to get in the arena.

May 22nd I compete in Hyrox in Austin.

Sept 25th in LA I plan to be one of, if not the lightest person to signup for Hyrox Pro.

In between I plan to have a sober summer where I give it MY ALL.

I also intend to run my first half-marathon in Hawaii next January.

If you have any ideas for me in terms of competitions / challenges, please let me know!!!

I'd love to have others join me as well, so if you are interested, lets connect!!!

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It is okay not to be okay. I am finding out that I haven't been okay for a long time now. I am healing a lot of the scar tissue that I created for my own damn self. And I want to encourage you to do the same for yourself. Life is too short not to be chasing the dreams you have!

#thriveon

CJ

p.s. gahhhhh it felt so good to write today. I also read 25 pages of a book for the first time in a few weeks. I am finding clarity and I cannot wait to take massive action on all of it.