Today is more of a journal entry to myself. I want to write and ramble to see if you may connect with some of my feelings right now. If you do, feel free to start a convo with me. If you don't that is okay to, maybe you can take something from my entry.

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I will never lie to you.

And right now, I have no desire to write.

In actuality, I am having less desire for a lot things these days.

The one thing that is constant in life...the up and down waves of feelings and emotions. Most of the time you cannot control them. The only thing you have control over is your ability to respond.

I do not lack desire because I am upset or anything like that.

I feel a lack of desire because for once in my life, I finally feel "healthy" in my body.

30 years.

That is how long it took for me to feel like my sleep, digestive system, brain, and bodily strength are at the point I have wanted them to be.

My autoimmune conditions are in remission, and I am certain I am about to legitimately cure it all through the recent protocols I have been following.

A lot more sleep, meditation, cooking my own food, no alcohol, and a lot of outdoor activity are the medicine I needed.

It is the medicine the WORLD needs.

Yet, people's desires overtake their discipline and blind them to the truth of nature.

Mine did for over a decade.

I knew things with me were fucked up, but I blamed everyone and everything around me.

It is laughable.

Blame the doctors for not helping when I knew I was taking a vodka bottle to the face every weekend, smoking weed to recover, and eating processed bullshit that someone with inflammatory issues shouldn't have been eating.

But YOLO right?

The doctors were a byproduct of the system. I still don't trust them, heck I can't because Big Pharma pays their bills for the most part.

Where my mistake occurred though, was my Desire > Discipline.

I desired the "fast life" because I thought that was freedom.

I lacked the discipline to look myself in the mirror and tell myself I was the one that was causing all my problems. Instead, I took the easy approach of pointing fingers at my genetics, the pre-programmed useless doctors, and the fact I didn't have enough money to pay for health tests (I somehow always had money for alcohol and drugs though).

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Desire is not bad.

Today I desire a life where I am free from any feeling of conforming to a "norm" that I feel does not serve me.

I do not care how others live their own lives.

What they do, where they live, why they do what they do.

I am fully focused on self-actualization

And in this moment, I feel my lack of desire to "do things" right now stems from the fact I am happy. Isn't that an interesting thing? It is for me. TBH I think my whole life I miss understood what happiness truly was and is.

What it doesn't mean is that there is absolutely no problems in your life. Heck I have a lot on my plate right now, I have cut people and projects out of my life because of differences, and the pressure to continue to grow my potential is very real for me.

I have finally come to the conclusion though, that I no longer desire to have the problems in my life, and in the world, wash away.

They are just as much a light in my life as the the most joyous time.

The full spectrum is what I am after experiencing.

I accept all of it.

I think this is what happiness is.

And because I have reached this point.

My desire to do some of the things I was doing, it is now broken.

And I will keep some of those things that way.

Like a phoenix I will shed those away from my identity and start a new one.

Yet, the others, like writing every day, I will lean into the discipline I have instilled within myself over the years to continue down the path...because I know part of the reason I came to this happiness was from writing in the first place.

Writing to me is like lifting weights for the brain. And lifting weights has had a profound positive impact on my life, so you best believe I will be writing for the rest of my life.

So the next time you feel your desire lacking, lean into your discipline to continue your pursuit.

Discipline > Desire.

#thriveon

CJ

p.s. I am grateful I have gotten to the point in my life where I can share a completely RAW piece of writing with a lot of people. I won't even proofread this before I hit send. For the very competitive, and wanting to be liked and accepted kid that I was, he'd be very proud right now. I love the feeling of who I am when I write, and that is all that fucking matters in this world.