Academic awards.

Scholarships.

Degrees.

Salaries.

Careers.

Jobs.

Houses.

Cars.

⬆️ All the things that I felt I needed in my life to validate myself and my worth.

Here's the thing...

I think I knew the story I was being fed was bullshit all along.

Because the only way I could go along with it was to numb myself with drugs and alcohol.

Which started a vicious cycle of not being able to wake up to the fact that I wanted so much more from life than the story I was being fed.

I spent 5 years getting an Engineering degree, but did not want to be an Engineer.

I spent 25+ years playing soccer, but soccer was not my favorite sport.

I spent numerous years in my life knowing that I was going down paths that weren't my own, yet I continued to do it anyway.

And when I think about why...

One of the conclusions I come to is that I was only focused on the BIG end results of all of it.

If I got the Engineering degree, I got the job and made great money.

If I played the sport well, I got the spotlight and attention of the "cool" kids.

If I got high and drunk, I became the life of the party and was a hell of a lot of fun. (or so I thought)

I did everything in my life for the result.

The BIG moment that I thought would leave my cup overflowing for the rest of my days.

The reality?

I don't talk of this much, but I earned a full-academic scholarship to Rutgers University for Industrial and Systems Engineering.

I maintained a 3.0 throughout all of my 5 years, I was a scholar athlete, and I helped build a fraternity with a bunch of other awesome men.

I worked really fucking hard to build my life up.

Yet, I don't even like associating myself to the person I was then.

It's like my mind has blocked him out.

And anytime I see Rutgers gear or signage (which I saw yesterday when I landed in NJ) it's like I have PTSD.

Because even though on paper I achieved what a lot of people would be happy to tell others at any dinner party they go to...

It makes me feel empty because none of those goals align with who I truly am.

I was too damn focused on the BIG MOMENTS...

That I never invested into small moments for myself.

Because I never had time for them!

An art class.

A writing class.

Joining a photography club.

Intramurals besides soccer and flag football.

A study abroad trip.

And so many more.

I am talking a lot about college here because I can learn from my past to make sure I don't repeat myself.

Now that a decade has come and gone since then, I feel I can analyze things fairly well.

Which leads me to this statement that will ring true for the rest of my life.

The small moments are the big moments.

Small moments like these ⬇️

Because if I don't have the time to enjoy these moments, what the fuck am I really doing with my life.

.

.

.

I know I wrote a lot about ME today.

Writing has become therapy for me.

And this is one of those mornings that I needed a therapy session.

You were on my mind when I wrote this whole message however.

Something tells me you can relate to how much focus you have put on the end result or "BIG" moments over the years.

I want to be someone who helps break you from those chains.

Today, ask yourself what's one small thing that you can do that is FOR YOU.

It can be as simply as going for a walk and hearing the birds chirp around you.

Or it could be you booking that summer trip you've said you wanted to do for years.

Life is too damn short not to have time to enjoy the small moments.

And I refuse to continue going through life anymore without acknowledging this.

To end, while I write this very line, I hear Aiden's mom-mom (Erin's mom) talking to him while she holds him and plays with him.

These are the golden moments I will remember forever.

#thriveon

CJ

p.s. today I am grateful for all the kind people we met during our travel day yesterday. The saying "it takes a village" comes to mind because so many other parents offered us help yesterday and it truly made my day.