Marry Christmas Eve,

I was raised Christian. Evangelical christian - brethren initially but I also spent much time in the baptist convention and pentecostal associations. I attended an Anglican high school and went to a faith based university on the eastern coast of Canada. 

When I met my partner, they also had been raised in an evangelical denomination and so, we married young and began building a life together based on the christian foundations we had been raised to understand. We raised both of our children in the church and I even became a pastor and served in both paid and lay ministry over many years.

But, I didn’t feel love. I didn’t understand why it was conditional within the faith communities I served in. I was the ‘feisty’ pastor who always asked the hard questions, pushed against the patriarchy and finally left, disillusioned by being abused and used by systemic gender bias and conditional love wrapped up in manipulation and fear mongering.

I say that I left but in reality, I was pushed out by unbelievable circumstances that, if I described to you, would make you shudder. As a victim, I had every right to fight for justice but instead, I left with most of the fragments of my soul intact and discovered what I has always felt was true: #lovewins

Today, I am not associated with any faith-based organization and yet, my soul thrives with the knowledge that love is everything. 

As I was decorating my home for Christmas this year. . .a holiday that still seems to fit my beliefs even though it has been hijacked by religion for profit and purpose. . .I was hesitant to place the nativity scene with prominence. Why? Because I hear so much religious BS around the inerrancy of the nativity and it turns my stomach. 

The story of a miraculous birth, a manager with hay and a star shining brightly announcing ‘emmanuel’ doesn’t bother me. The idea that a child was born to turn the hearts of people towards love is awesome. The story of good news, peace and joy to all is #lovewins. But, try to exalt that to a religious believer in any of the various christian traditions and there are conditions.

It did my heart good this season in the midst of personal loss and trial to awash my nativity scene in rainbow pride colours. The wise men bedazzled in sparky drag-esque robes and Joseph sporting rainbow nails and a cloak of many colours. All centered around a miraculous child swaddled in pride colours that represent love, respect, freedom, equality, tolerance and pride. 

I wish to all who read this a season of love and joy. Whatever your beliefs, know that where you esteem love, we align. Loving yourself and others unconditionally is tough BUT, it is the only truth. While I was painting baby Jesus, I could feel the unconditional love that Jesus proclaimed swirl around me. It actually helped me begin the redemption of some of my christian traditions. Not all of them were/are bad but, for a season in my life, avoiding them completely was an important part of my self care journey. 

Now, I will come back to the aspects that centered around love. #lovewins

Amber - a.k.a. The Feisty PM