Recently I found myself walking along a sandy beach, toes drenched in the warm waters off the coast of Qualicum, BC, with a deep sense of sadness. As I tried to overcome the feeling of despair by focusing on my surroundings, I was aware that I felt embarrassed, ashamed and humiliated. At the ripe age of 48, I was having to come to terms AGAIN with being wrong.

I wrote a few weeks ago about the fact that I still carefully edit myself in my newsletters due to the fact that I am so often wrong about the convictions I feel so strongly about later and I am learning to live in the gray. Amazingly, the universe felt the need to deal me another ego blow on the heels of publishing that and I feel it’s time to get even MORE real with those who choose to read what I write.

I am often viewed as a strong willed, arrogant person who drips with confidence and leaves little room for flexibility in their arguments. The joke of it is that I am intentionally working to combat those things in how I present to the world. Why? Because it is unbecoming. To make others feel inferior or less than you is the direct opposite of how to ‘win friends and influence people’. As a stakeholder management SME, I have had to learn to curb my natural tendencies to be overbearing and listen more. I am still working everyday to do this better and to see myself actually change instead of just acting the part. 

Two of my favourite ways to describe myself speak to this intention: ‘The Feisty PM’ and ‘earnest not arrogant’. The juxtaposition of being feisty and yet earnest fascinates me. It’s what I am holding in balance at all times in my professional and personal life. 

What was I wrong about, you ask? I wish I felt bold enough to tell you. It was big. HUGE. And deeply personal, private and painful. I will be reeling from it for years to come. What I can tell you is that I was wrong about it for my entire life. It was an aspect of myself that I didn’t contemplate or allow the light of logic or reason to shine on. I was ‘closeted’ in my beliefs about it and when the closet door broke, so did my heart. 

What it did though was reminded me that:

It's okay to be embarrassed. 

It's okay to be ashamed. 

It's okay to have suffered humiliation.

From the beginning to now; it's your story and it's okay.

OWN the WHOLE story.

I HAVE to own that I was wrong about this and I have to build back from the wasteland of feelings coursing through my veins. Embarrassment and shame are tools if I allow them to be. I want to grieve and move forward, differently.

I have to also because what comes in a flood after humiliation is freedom and I want to live free,

(a.k.a. The Feisty PM)