All in all, I've had to be humbled by situations in order to make change. It's not been easy or pretty but it's been worth it.

One of the most painful experiences I had to go through was to be proclaimed a racist. Yes, for those of you who know me and my personal values and professional work, you’ll know that this cut me VERY deeply. As a loud and proud supporter of BIPOC and LGBTQIA organizations and a DEI instructor, it seems wrong to have ever had this experience. But, I did. 

It happened 12 years ago. . .I was the project manager on a large weekend event hosted for primarily women and on the final day, a participant asked to speak with me alone. Although this is something I NEVER do anymore, I agreed and we went to an office, closed the door and she proceeded to scream at me that I was a racist and that I had marginalized her all weekend. She was vibrating with rage and I was SHOCKED. I sat across from the table from her and literally couldn’t believe the words coming from her mouth. Without any reason to, I remained silent. (Trust me, silence was not very like me 12 years ago. . .which is why I mention it.) I remember feeling rage myself but still I remained silent. I sat and let her continue to go off on me and when there was finally a break and the silence felt awkward, I lifted my eyes to meet hers, opened my mouth and said, 

“I am so very sorry.” 

I wanted to tell her she was wrong and defend every one of my actions but the universe had other plans that day. I just sat in stillness and said nothing more. And then, as if it had never happened, she stormed out of the room and I’ve never seen or spoken to her again.

I was left alone in that office to feel all the feels and also to wonder why I hadn’t said more. She obviously was wrong. . .I wasn’t biased. . she was just overreacting, right?

I don't even know her name and yet she humbled me that day in such a way that it changed the trajectory of my life. Her obvious pain became the catalyst for change in my conduct. Before her, I never thought to check myself. It never occurred to me that I held white, cis-genered prviledge. I simply wasn’t aware of the impact that my decisions, temperament and body language had on others. 

It was through this humiliating situation for us both, that I grew and learned to be better. 

The apology I gave her that day was sincere although I didn’t understand the depth of it then. I was sorry she was upset so I could apologize for that with a clear conscience but the fact that I said nothing else became the biggest lesson for me. I could be WRONG in the eyes of another even if I felt that I was right. You see, I didn’t think my ego could withstand the weight of that. I assumed it was too fragile to let the universe settle the score without me having to prove it. It turns out, my ego can withstand a lot more than I thought. . .and with 12 years of reflection, it has taught me that I hold bias and wield it without even thinking. Still, to this day, I have to proactively check myself and relegate my ego when situations pinch me. 

I believe the universe's plans that day were to grant me the opportunity to change. To become an advocate and also to continue to check myself in benefit to others. I learned that a sincere apology is short and has no other words attached to it. And, to defend one's actions in these types of moments is to put your own insecurities on display. Most of all, I learned that developing your own self awareness is the most important strategy to becoming successful. 

I highly recommend doing this on your own terms instead of doing it the hard way like I had to. Neither way is easy but inevitable if you want to live a life of contentment and joy in service to others.

Amber (a.k.a. The Feisty PM)