Tomorrow is World Mental Health Day and I think it's high time we eradicate the stigma that surrounds it. I am someone who struggles and has struggled with mental health. Trauma, abuse, indoctrination are all players in the ongoing struggles I have. 

You see, I grew up believing that my religion prevented me from suffering from mental health issues. In fact, if I had them, it was a sign of sin in my heart that I needed to confess and be cleansed from. I did this often. Begging forgiveness for the toxic thoughts, unrequited emotions and downright anger. It became a cycle of debilitating guilt released by humble submission and an immediate feeling of euphoric freedom. . .but it never lasted. Like a drug addict, I became addicted to the cycle and the ‘high’ of 'feeling' forgiven. 

You may read this and see silliness on the page but to me, this was real. It was inextricably linked to my self worth and forged my thinking of myself and others. It developed in me and ‘us and them’ philosophy where by which I could judge myself and others by how much we were willing to give over to a power that would take away all of our ‘sins’. 

I spent most of my teens and 20’s gauging people's value based on this and the trauma to my self worth spun me into an uptight, self righteous zealot who arrogantly KNEW the truth and judged others for their lack of knowledge of it.

And then, one day, with all the rage and hollow anger of being so much more right than others, I cracked wide open. I walked across an overpass on a busy highway with my 2 small children and planned to throw myself off of it, bringing them with me. 

A silent war raged inside of me as I hatched my plans for the end. I told no one, said nothing, acted as though everything was normal. I spent months trying to gain enough courage to actually do it. All the while raising 2 kids and walking over that bridge at least 3 times a week. My physical health deteriorated, I stopped caring about things that brought me joy and I took my pain out on my family in rage and fear mongering, all the while continuing the cycle of guilt, submission, freedom from forgiveness, repeat. My own trauma recycled into lateral violence against my loved ones. And this lasted for years. . .

I write this to you today on the other side of those darkest times and those destructive beliefs. I got help. Lots of it. I continue to do so and leaving my religion behind has been an essential and, sadly, most recent part.

We are more alike as humans than we are different. It’s essential that we eradicate the stigma surrounding mental health by sharing our struggles. Mine is laced with toxic religion and patriarchy. But, no matter what you are dealing with, there is hope. You are NOT alone! Mental health matters and I for one need to get better at talking about it. 

So do you, my friend, so do you,