This week was tough. Monday morning started with the tough decision to put our family dog down. Ugh. 

By midday on Monday, I had cried enough for a week and yet I had the opportunity to serve hot dogs to children at a local community centre. (Yes, the irony was not lost on me as it was also Halloween on Monday. . .the universe has a tremendous sense of humour)

Watching kids clamour to eat hot dogs as they awaited to be picked up by parents to take them trick or treating did my heart good. It didn’t take the sting of my loss away but I was able to chuckle at the boy who ate 5 of them and then complained of a tummy ache. All in all, it helped me center my spirit and take a break from my grief.

Not all who mourn do it the same way. When we lose something we cared about, the grief cycle kicks in and we all have to go through it. It cannot be skipped. 

The first stage is denial. As the loss of my pet was a choice, this stage was brief for me as there was no shock or confusion about what had happened; it was mutually decided upon by each of our family members. 

The second stage is anger and this too was brief as I didn’t feel frustrated or anxious about our decision as it was simply the best one for our dog's pain.

The third stage is bargaining and this is where I am still. Struggling to find meaning in the loss, reaching out to others to share and telling my story. It’s at this point of the grief cycle that a human needs emotional support. 

I recognize the fourth stage is depression and I can feel it creeping up on me. My dog is simply not around anymore. He doesn’t whine at my office door when I am on Zoom calls and there is no one to snuggle with. It makes me feel overwhelmed as I begin to grapple with just how much support he gave me and how much I needed his presence. It is also when my partner and I might begin to talk about wanting another one to help fill the depressive void.

The fifth and final stage is acceptance and I look forward to feeling that. It’s still too early but I’m trying to imagine myself there. Not just talking about another dog but beginning to explore our options, make new plans and move on towards a new reality that isn’t better, just different.

So, why write about all this in my weekly newsletter? Because this is my experience. I am human. We all are. Did I take off work this week to mourn? No. Did I expect everyone to understand how sad I felt? No. I just tried to show up, everyday with honesty and integrity, and a broken heart. 

Did this influence or impact my week? You bet it did. Did I make different decisions because of it? Absolutely. As a stakeholder, I was difficult to manage this week and, if you weren't extra careful with me, you might have seen a side of me that rarely shows. But. . . 

Loss can help define what really matters and this week shifted my perspective.  I do need emotional support. I did need my dog's presence to calm and center me and I do want a life that slows down enough to cherish those simple things. 

Whether it's a loved one or just an expectation, losing something you are emotionally attached to changes you. And, with change comes opportunity. You can choose to explore your options and make a new plan or you can stay in the bargaining or depression stages. Many people do.

Although I am not quite there yet, I can see acceptance of my loss on the horizon and I can’t wait. But, until I feel that genuinely, I am going to practice patience, remind myself that this grief cycle cannot be skipped and feel all the feels,

Amber (a.k.a. The Feisty PM)