If you are anything like me, you struggle to set boundaries. For me, I think it’s because I was raised to be in service to others; not due to a love for them but due to a cultural normative expectation of my gender and my appropriate role in society. I know, it sounds dreadful but it is true. 

For those of us born in the 70’s and earlier, this was how we were raised. There are exceptions, of course but generally, this was true. We were heavily gendered and with those 2 genders came very specific expectations. You didn’t even have to be from a specific thought group for this to be true in North America. It was the culture and we can see it everywhere today stamped on our past and continuing to meddle with our future. 

I believe, in 2022, we are watching many polarizing conversations burst at the seams due to these underlying issues. And, bridging the gap between the generations has much to do with how gendered our thinking is. I like to call this the ‘the great gender dig out’. . .we are mired in the binary and are now digging our way out of a deeply entrenched way of thinking and doing life together.

For me, this is where the trouble of setting boundaries lies. Other people's expectations of me. Still at the age of 47, as a cis-genered, white female, I deeply care about what you think of me. (Ugh, it even hurts to type that statement due to the level of discomfort I feel in admitting it.) I want not to care. I want to care more about my mental and emotional health than to worry about whether my words land with your expectations of me.

This is not easy for me. I have to work at it. My neuro pathways are hardwired to believe that how you react and feel about me is directly a reflection of my intrinsic value. And, many of the people you live, work and play with feel the very same way even if they cannot articulate it.

I'm convinced that our only way to help each other is to be kind, give space and allow everyone to do their own journey to finding boundaries. Many cannot justify making them at all while others live with so many that they scarcely allow people in. Both ways can be toxic.

Katie Turner, a registered psychologist based in Calgary, AB, is sited in an article as saying, "quite often, the most compassionate, wholehearted people have strong boundaries." and that's what I want to BE! Here's my paraphrased version of what she suggests can be some healthy boundaries:

“When we set boundaries, we take care of our own mental health and well-being,” - Katie Turner

Join me in keeping it simple, practicing these 5 healthy boundaries and seeing if we can't dig out of where so many of us are stuck,