I recently set my intentions to go to a grassy knoll, under a tree, to meet my maker. It is a place in my mind that I have gone to many times before to have similar chats. But, when I went this time, my maker wasn’t there to meet me. 

Over the past 8 years, I have struggled to salvage the parts of my religious experiences worth keeping. Growing up in a religious family and culture, I had much work to do to disentangle my personal beliefs from the indoctrination that inevitably comes from an upbringing like mine.

I remember when I was introduced to the notion that I could choose a location, in my mind to chat with the divine it felt odd and blasphemous to my core religious beliefs. Given, at the time that I was so discontent with my faith, I tried it and found it helpful. I called prayer back then, I would meditate and envision "God" sitting with me to hash out my thoughts. It was comforting and I went there every so often for years.

Fast forward to my most recent experience, it finally felt time to revisit that space to see if there was anything redeemable for my ongoing journey of faith. But, instead of being disappointed I was the only one there, the aloneness I felt was freeing. 

I am finally coming to terms with the fact that nothing I say or do can wield the power of the Divine to serve my needs. Everything is so outside of my ability to truly understand and comprehend it. 

If my belief helps me to lean in to my purpose, it's necessary. If it serves the greater community for good, it's necessary. But, if I hold it like a possession that is only for me, it's unnecessary and selfish for “it” is not for me alone, whatever “it” really is.

I don’t believe the experience I had means that there isn’t a “God”; quite the opposite. I think my experience was essential in me redeeming my reverence for the known unknowns in my faith journey. It was also a great reminder that it's not all about me. 

I wish you a similar experience whatever your faith and belief journey is,