When I was quite young up until I was in college, I was obsessed with the supernatural and paranormal. 

Even back in the third grade, I managed to convince myself and a couple of other boys that there were Aswangs in the comfort rooms near the old nuns' quarters of my school. 

Yes, there were Aswangs, and our weapons which consisted of barbeque sticks, brooms, and yung bomba ng inidoro were enough to defeat them.

We psyched ourselves to ‘raid’ their lair one day, and then the moment we were in the eerily empty stalls and we heard some scratching on the GI roof, we ran for dear life! 

Hahaha good times. 

Thinking back, it was probably a cat. There were dozens of them living around campus. 

My dad, coming from a very rural town in Leyte, also shared stories about engkanto, duwende, slowing down your vehicle every time you approach a bridge, saying tabi-tabi po, and having his younger brother (Uncle Manny) taken and replaced by an empty husk. 

What?! 

It is what it is. Na-kwento lang sa akin, and in my young mind, I never thought to question it back then. 

I never got to meet Uncle Manny kasi he died back when he was ten years old. This was in the 1960s. 

I now realize baka nagkasakit lang talaga si Tiyo Manny but since they were living in the deep barrio, baka may iba lang silang way to process the loss of their youngest sibling. 

Instead of being befriended by an Engkanto, maybe he was really suffering from an illness that saw him gradually weaken and succumb. 

I would never know. 

Lahat din kasi ng mga uncles ko, pati lola ko mismo said the same thing. 

This was also the time when brownouts were a lot more common in the Philippines. 

Now add that with the hyper-active imagination of a child, and you have a recipe for the fun email you’re reading right now, . 

Hehe

Now this fascination with the macabre only got stronger when I was in the fifth grade.

Our English teacher Ma’am Rowena Cabodil started this mini-library in our homeroom where we could donate books and also read any other book in there. 

Simple bookcase lang sya with an index, but parang magic to a kid like me. 

People would give books away, and read what they didn’t have.

Maraming books na Sweet Valley High, Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew, Adventures of Tintin, Archie Comics (eto palaging punit kasi pinag-aagawan hehe), Choose Your Own Adventure, etc. 

And then there were the horror books. 

Nabasa ko halos lahat don, but Goosebumps and Tales from the Crypt were my absolute favorites. 

I was addicted to the chilling tales of monsters, ghosts, and ghouls. With each turn of the page, I wanted to be more frightened than the last. 

This would go on for years, which I think back now may have been both a gift and a curse. (nuks, nasulat ko din sa wakas!) 

It manifested in weird ways when I was in university. 

Kahit sa dorm room ko sa Kalay, I would imagine weird, ever-forming shapes dancing in the dark sa taas ng cabinet ko.. 

Tapos mag-morph sya over time into something else..

Taunting me with a guttural demonic sound.. 

Then switching abruptly to tantalize me with a faraway angelic singing in a language I couldn’t discern.

This twisted homunculus sometimes stopped, and ‘looked’ at me from the top of the darkened area above the cabinet, beckoning me with grotesquely clawed stumps it had for hands. 

I felt like it was trying to entice me, and even dare me to come closer. 

Ewan ko ba, every time my mind was idle, palaging nag-race yung thoughts ko. 

Umuwi kasi for the weekend yung roommate ko and I had the room all to myself on that cold, rainy night. 

Friday the 13th din nun. 

...

Fast forward a few more years.

I started working the graveyard shift at Convergys right after college. 

Our hours changed abruptly, and it rotated every few weeks based sa performance namin as a team. 

Minsan bigla na lang ako may 6PM to 2AM shift. 

And going home in Makati back then to my old apartment in Poblacion (didn’t want to take the cab kasi wala budget, and wala din mga jeep sa oras na yun) 

Naturally, my overactive imagination started going on overdrive again as I walked a couple of kilometers home. 

It was fine sa mga well-lit main streets like P. Burgos, but the back streets that were shortcuts I took going to Don Pedro (Gabaldon and Pagulayan Streets) and eventually to my apartment would scare the crap out of me. 

There was this weird patch of sealed-off buildings back then before that area was gentrified and turned into upscale apartments. 

Wala din ilaw sa lamp posts, not sure kung may court case sya or something, but every time I walked past that deserted stretch of street at 2 AM, parang ibang dimension sya compared to the noisy and buzzing nightlife ng Makati. 

Para syang… you guessed it. “The Twilight Zone.” 

The creek of the shutters of the old buildings there became the telltale sounds of a lurking monster behind the grimy and broken glass exteriors. 

Every flickering light harbored the spirit of a vengeful ghost. 

My overactive mind turned every shadow into that same place above my cabinet in college. Magnified nga lang.

It was a place for monsters to lurk, to reach me from their ungodly plane. 

And don’t even talk to me about the actual real-life giant rats na nakatira sa underground ng Makati. 

Those things are genuinely scary. 

I saw one as big as a cat, and hindi sya natatakot sa mga pusa. 

It also now was in the same street, but with big red glowing eyes, twice as large, and had several rows of teeth.

Hala nag-halo halo na.

What had once been exciting fiction now bled into my reality, contaminating my perception and daily life.

The thrilling rush I sought in books took root in my psyche, and turned into irrational fear that paralyzed my waking mind. 

Things came to a head after another rainy and dark 2 AM shift. 

What was a normal brisk walk became a panicked run, my heart threatening to hammer through my ribs as I imagined bloody claws grasping at my neck.

I couldn't live like this any longer, jumping at every tiny sound and imagining grisly death around every corner. 

The stories I had once loved were ruining my life. 

So I took drastic action. 

I went cold turkey, cutting out all the horror in books and horror movies completely. No more staying up late to read about saw-wielding maniacs. 

No more movies about demons possessing innocent victims. 

It was painfully difficult at first, like quitting a powerful drug. 

Not that I would know. ^_^

But slowly, the grip of fear began to loosen as I filled my mind with something opposite. 

Standup Comedy Specials.  

Talk about 180 degrees no? hehe

Yes, naging adik ako sa stand up comedy. I still felt the urge to indulge my twisted curiosity from time to time. But resisting the temptation got easier with each passing day.

Over the years, new habits crowded out the scary thoughts that used to dominate my head. 

I learned to silence my anxious inner critic and focus on the good around me, not imagined threats. I became more present, more at peace. 

Occasionally, old reflexes still make me flinch when I hear an odd noise or see an eerie shadow. 

Minsan nga I just tell my son Julian outright na there’s no such thing as ghosts, only goats. 

He’s smart and gets mad that I try to make fun of it. 

I know I’m probably gaslighting him, but I told him about my quest to look for ghosts sa school ko, and wala ako nakita. 

Thankfully the episodes haven't come back yet as I reinforce positive thinking patterns. 

I've come to understand that we can't always control what happens to us, but we can control how we interpret events. 

And I choose to interpret the world through a lens of hope, not fear.

Giving up horror was the right choice for me. 

But consuming it in moderation doesn't have to be bad. 

The key is being mindful of how the media you immerse yourself in impacts your mindset. 

There is truth to Jim Rohn's quote “You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” 

In our digital age, that includes what we watch, read, listen to, and engage with online.

If we consume mostly negativity, it will drag us down.

But if we curate our influences intentionally, we can elevate our lives.

As freelancers with flexible schedules, we must be vigilant about how we spend our precious time and attention. Make sure your mental diet nourishes your spirit.

Seek out inspiration, not anxiety. 

Seek out other freelancers with the same mindset, and hang out with those who have great habits that advance their freelance business.

Go with people who do daily prospecting. Wag yung mga people who will say “google mo gago”. 

You have the power to reshape your mind one thought at a time. 

What you dwell on today can determine who you become tomorrow. 

Tune out the darkness and let your inner light guide you toward the life you deserve.

I thank you, bow. 

Shoden “The Horror Novelist” San

ps. Congrats to our winners from my Cold To Gold Outreach Scholarship Contest! Cloe and Kent! They're hanging out with the right freelancing crowd. ^_^

💡Need guidance and clarity on your own reinvention? I’m opening a few paid slots after several of you messaged me about getting some extra coaching outside of TFMT. Limited lang ito, and first come first served basis. I'm starting with clarity calls muna with a 90-day action plan. Learn more about it here.

🎉 Pst. Don't Keep Me A Secret. refer this newsletter to your freelancer friends and earn rewards worth $$!

☕️ Send Me Some Coffee. If you liked this particularly weird but hopefully informative and somewhat entertaining email, help me fuel my addiction to writing daily emails.

☠️ Too many emails from me? I totally understand the need to declutter your inbox. Haha ako nga nagsabi na mag-declutter ka e. I hope my tips have helped you work smarter as a freelancer. No hard feelings. Just click below (may maliit na link dyan na kulay grey hehe).