Some years back, my past life as a corporate documentary filmmaker imploded spectacularly.

At least it felt like it at the time. 

One day I was producing a commissioned documentary for a big pharma client… 

…the next we were fighting a huge dumpster fire in a flood that was the production of our hospital scene. That, and at least 13 other things that went horribly wrong.

This pharma client awarded this 850k contract to my team, (which was huge for me at the time) against a seasoned production agency with 15 years of experience.

I guess you could say that any face I had left also went up in flames with it. 

Anger. Shock. Heartbreak. 

I cycled through those emotions for weeks. 

We were just so stoked na nanalo kami sa bid, and feeling on top of the world kami and nothing would go wrong. 

Ako naman I was just barely out of corporate back then and it was a dream come true for me to be there in the thick of a hardcore film crew. 

Imagine taking a scenic hike through some hills just to scout for a location

Yes, kami yung mga langgam dyan, at nasa kabila ng hill yung bahay na i-film namin, ako yung red na langgam.

Imagine huge lights 30 feet up in the air, recreating faint moonlight sa likod ng character for a scene like this. 

Imagine a 10-wheeler truck na may kasamang genset, kasi we were out on a remote town shooting this “mini-movie”, and tumawid pa kami ng ilog just to get there.

scouting for scenes na kasamang trek na din

Imagine casting real-life actresses with 5-figures a day na TF. 

“Dra, Rina,” volunteer doctor to the barrios na somehow nakasabit sa jeep? Who wrote this?! Oh wait, kami pala.

Imagine renting a whole hospital ward with medical equipment for a sequence.

No need to imagine, I was literally doing that.

Look Ma, Shoden the corporate boy is now a film producer! Fuiyoh!

I was happily commiserating with the problems ng mga #buhayprod folks, and just as happy to get some actual film experience under my belt. 

In short, feel na feel ko yung pagiging “newly-minted” cinematographer ko. 

Selfie muna bago mag dumpster fire lol

I wasn’t by any means blameless ha. I was making a crap-ton of mistakes din and was under an immense amount of pressure leading up to all of it, but who cared? 

I certainly didn’t. I was having the time of my life. 

Or so I thought. 

May mga warning signs naman. We saw some red flags here and there na dati pa sa smaller projects namin. 

We just didn’t believe things would happen like that. 

Didn’t believe that our scriptwriter/production department partner was having a bipolar, sociopathic, and kleptomaniacal episode that was on a warpath with our budget, finances, production, and friendship.

Didn’t believe na frickin’ ninanakawan na pala kami ng funds and we only got to expose it on shoot day one, kasi they didn’t even get to purchase the fake blood for the hospital scene happening in 2 hours. 

Yun pala na-gastos na nya yung funds that we released to our prod dept head a couple of weeks before. 

Tapos what I thought was a well-shot and well-edited sequence sa hospital turned out to be totally unusable pala kasi the surgeons were wearing nurses’ scrubs all along. 

Bakit hindi namin na-consult sa client who had loads of doctors with them, you ask? Kasi hindi pa pala nabili yung mga props and costumes beforehand.

And you guessed it, the one controlling that convo was also the same person. 

Ultimately, the client didn’t approve our chopped-up, sorry excuse for a rescue final output as the hospital scene was one of the main sequences that would tie the piece together. Don pa lang maling mali na. 

Ako pa naman nag-edit nito, all this work wasted.

So hindi kami nabayaran ng balance. We were now deeply and truly f-

aa@!@u#kcd

Thinking about it today as I write this makes my head hurt again. 

Basta, one word. 

Night-frickin-mare. 

Suddenly this career path that I had just busted my balls to transfer to from corporate… was now closed to me.

Instead of earning a clean 153k from the deal after taxes (3 kami na partners), I ended up abonado + negative earnings pa, tapos hindi pa nabayaran yung mga ibang inutang sakin ng prod (kasi nawalan sila ng budget) just to finish shooting. 

I guess I can say na eto na yung tuition ko sa film production. A certified 100% CRASH course. A 4-year degree in 8 weeks, injected through my brain like a thunderbolt.

Dark clouds of depression and self-doubt settled over me. 

Ano ba tong pinasok ko? 

I kept replaying my crash and burn scene in my head, wondering where I went wrong, thinking crazy shit na wala na sa tamang pag-iisip.

I felt like a failure - no, I was a failure. 

…

But mercifully, time marched on regardless.

Wounds began to heal. Need na uli rumaket. The ramen noodles from my cupboard were calling.

In the aftermath and ashes, some unforgettable lessons were forged. 

Those dark days taught me that crashes, though painful, are important pivot points filled with potential. We can extract maximum value from failures by learning lessons through them.

Crashes are an opportunity for reflection. In that fall, I asked myself the hard questions - about my goals, my motivations, my definition of success. This prompted me to make needed changes.

Crashes filter the bullshit out. Stripped of the infatuation of this field, I realized how much excess baggage I had accumulated. I already sustained a back injury kaka-shoot, gusto ko ba talaga maging prod guy my whole working life? This process helped me focus on what really mattered.

Crashes build resilience and courage. Sabi nga ni Dumbledore, “A phoenix can only rise from the ashes it has lain in”. Now hindi ako sure if he actually said that, but JK Rowling would probably approve. ^_^

I found strength I didn't know I had by picking myself up and starting over.

Crashes are a chance to reconnect with your core passion. When everything else was burned away, my love for visual and written stories still remained. I learned how to reignite my beginner's mindset uli. Easier said than done kasi ma-pride ang lolo mo, but finally managed.

Crashes create space for reinvention. After my world fell apart, (I was totally piling on the melodrama back then) anything was now possible. This clean slate is liberating. I could reinvent myself on my own terms.

I won't lie, starting over from scratch was scary and humbling. 

It sucked in more places and times than I care to retell. As if this email wasn’t a novel yet. 

But.. it was also absolutely exhilarating.

The thrill of a fresh start and new possibilities reminded me why I became a filmmaker in the first place, which was only a vague goal back when I was in a cubicle. 

I actually hit that old goal.

I realized success isn't a constant upward trajectory. 

There are peaks and valleys, and the low points are inevitable.

Focusing on the lessons learned, nag-pivot kami into teaching, and throughout this ordeal I was even able to co-found a Videography School. 

I reskilled sa pagturo, went to marketing events as a business owner, started speaking in front of groups as a mentor, learned how to build websites, took online marketing lessons, learned how to write emails, revamped my positioning, and took on some pro bono gigs to get my name out there again. 

Most importantly, I had the chance to reinvent my mindset - from scarcity and fear to abundance and courage.

I absolutely acknowledge that I’m saying this in hindsight lang ha, hehe.

Di ko talaga na feel yan as it was happening. It felt like shit tbh. Upon reflection na lang and through writing this email I'm making it sound cooler than it actually was. ^_^

And you know what? 

Hindi lang yun yung last time that I’ve needed to pivot. 

The pandemic happened, and sadly the school had to close because it was a face-to-face workshop setting. And with changed priorities, hindi pa sya nag-reopen uli. 

Re-invent na naman tuloy tayo. 

I invested in myself and further education. Nag-enroll ako sa Video Marketing and Strategy and got international mentorship, focused on YouTube as a platform, and subsequently learned to write ad copy and create video sales letters (VSLs).

Luckily by this time, I was already part of an awesome community of THE BEST Pinoy Freelancers ever, so the transition was easier this time. 

I’m now focusing on impact and serving clients so they in turn get to have an impact on their markets as well.

At dahil totoong battle-tested na ako sa dealmaking, negotiation, and getting premium clients from my old offline industry, I’m now able to help less experienced freelancers as a Coach inside of the Freelance Movement Tribe. 

In short kumapal ang fez ko. 

The story continues. Sure, there are still challenges and things I'm learning, and I can definitely fall on my face again.

But now I know na these cycles are inevitable -- but surrounded with the right community, kaya natin ma-overcome ito. 

Not just to survive, but to thrive. 

This chapter of me you’re reading is probably the upteenth working revision. hehe

So, now it’s your turn. 

You can reinvent yourself and level up too. 

You can turn your crashes into catalysts for change, .

Remember, every next level of your life will require a new you, and sometimes it might even require you to be broken before you can be the next better version of yourself. 

Stay Scrappy,

Shoden “The Re-Igniter” San

💡 P.S1 Need guidance on your own reinvention?  

I’m opening a few paid slots after several of you messaged me about getting some extra coaching outside of TFMT. Limited lang ito, and first come first served basis. I'm starting with clarity calls muna with a 90-Day action plan. Book here.  

🎉 P.S2 Pst. Please Don’t keep me a secret. refer this newsletter to your freelancer friends and earn rewards worth $$!

Shoden "Sunday" San

PS1. If you found this a good read, and you have friends who are interested in reading email rants like these please forward this to them and let them sign up sa ating munting list.

PS2. eto din yan, but mas swabe. Share mo sa wall mo, I need subs parang awa mo na. ^_^ https://sendfox.com/WorkFunHomePinoy